At 62, I'm the "Other" Woman and Miserable.

I ran a Google search on the internet and found your articles. Do you provide private counseling or do you have articles that I might read?

I am a 62 year-old widow in a relationship with an old boyfriend. I am the "other woman"in his life while he is in a "committed" relationship with a woman. Our 4 year relationship is sexual and I am miserable. I feel that I am addicted and I have tried to get out of it, but I keep bouncing back. He, on the other hand, is perfectly content.

I am at the point that I need counseling.

Response from Daniel...

Thank you for your question. Usually affairs are doomed relationships, especially for the person in the secondary position. They come under the category of addictive relationships, that is, they serve primarily as a source of relief, that provides what is missing in one's life or fills a void, as opposed to one who is seeking intimacy or an ever-deepening relationship. If your lover had a better "committed" relationship, there would be less of a need for him to carry on with you, unless he has a history of dysfunctional relationships, ones based on deception and this is all he knows, which is totally possible. On the same token, if you had a better relationship (with yourself or with someone else), there would likely be far less incentive for you to continue carrying on the relationship. What is in it for you, other than some temporary relief from pain related to unconscious, unmet emotional needs? You seem to be aware that there is no emotional nourishment coming your way in this relationship. As long as you continue this, you'll end up worse than you were before. Ending it could mean cutting your losses, but as you so stated, you're unable to do so. If you check back at my http://www.relationshipvision.com/articles.html web-site, you will see an article, Acting Responsibly in the Face of Desire, which you should find applicable to your situation. It will give you a better understanding of the psychological dynamics operating when there is an affair. In my Relational Recovery, Empowering the Transformation of Relationships book, I further discuss a variety of related issues, i.e. distinguishing fantasy from reality, feeling from acting, attraction and sex from intimacy, as well as basic principles for building healthy intimate relationships that would be of value to you as well. You might consider Relational Recovery to purchase.
http://www.relationshipvision.com/books.html#relational

Recommended also is some brief, but in depth individual counseling to get a better handle on this relationship, navigate the terrain of relationships in general, learn more about the dynamics of addiction, and what acting in one's own best interests would look like. I am available for counseling on the phone or face to face. If you're ready to move in that direction, you may call (415) 456-0802 or write via e-mail. Please indicate the part of the country where you reside.

Thank you for your visit. Please come back anytime.

Daniel