Addictions, Recovery, Relationships

I have been with a woman for the past year that I am very much in love with that started attending AA 2 months ago. We have been communicating up until recently. I was not aware of her problem until we tried living together for the winter. It turned into an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. She finally faced the problem and started AA 2 months ago. I moved back home but we continued communicating and did some things together once in a while etc... She first wanted a couple of months to get on track, but now it has turned into the one year without a relationship and now she speaks to everyone but me. She wants to return all the diamond jewelry that I gave her and will not tell me she loves me anymore. Or, once she said "I love you," but needed to get her life together. It seems a huge wall went up all of a sudden. I admit I have had a difficult time understanding this so called disease but I am quickly educating myself of course. But the radical change in feelings, moods and decisions remind me of someone skating on the edge of bipolar disorder. Is this normal and should I make myself disappear (detachment) until she wants to talk to me in 6 month to a year and wait for hopefully a reconciliation.

Thanks,
Rick

5/10/06

Hi Rick,

Thank you for your inquiry.

The timing of this relationship was unfortunate. You seemed to get more involved when she was needing to get less involved with you, more involved in her own recovery. It sounds like she realized that she is in no condition to continue this relationship, when she needed to make sobriety and recovery her top priorities. It's true, "all bets off" right now- Given that she is now in the early stages of recovery, it would behoove you to put this relationship on an indefinite hold. If and when she is ready to return and there is interest and readiness to get back together, you'll "cross that bridge" then. The 1 yr without a relationship is the standard recommendation throughout the 12-step program, and for which there is a sound basis. It's quite likely that during the time you felt that you were "in love" with her, you weren't being realistic or objective about how well you were doing together, that you were proceeding blindly ahead. From your description, it doesn't appear that the "radical change in feelings, moods and decisions" is coming from someone skating on the edge of bipolar disorder." It sounds like she realized that she isn't ready to proceed. The best thing for you to do at this time is to get support for things not working out the way you wanted them to and to validate yourself for not pushing for a relationship that is not mutual.

Daniel