My Boyfriend Doesn't Want a Relationship. I'm Hurt.

Question from the Advise Corner

Several weeks ago, my boyfriend of 8 months told me he didn't want a relationship. My sponsor says my pride and ego are hurt as I've always been the dumper not the dumpee! These are brand new feelings. How do I get out from under this resentment? I am spiritually out of balance because hurt people hurt people and I'm not trying to be vindictive today.

Daniel response

Now that you are on a path of recovery, you may choose to view this situation as an opportunity to look to the deeper truth within yourself and grow from it. The dumper and dumpee perspective may be indicative of your pre-recovery reaction pattern. The question to ask yourself at this juncture is, "does this relationship work right now? Would you want your boyfriend to continue in the relationship with you another 8 months with the liklihood that his ambivilence would only continue and the relationship further diteriorate? Have you learned in recovery that relationships work best and the best chances to last and deepen when both people are in the relationship by choice?"

The hurt that you're feeling right now, while legitimate, because apparently your feelings were not mutual, might turn to a sense of relief. Learning to operate with healthy self interest will enable you to turn this into a self-affirming and empowering experience.

You might be in the process of re-evaluating your priorities. What's most important to you right now, your ego or your purpose, which is to create healthy lasting emotionally nourishing relationships.

Thank you for your visit.